


Memoirs of a Queer Universe

by Profoundish



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Other, Queer Themes, Questioning, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-14 07:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10532106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Profoundish/pseuds/Profoundish
Summary: Sometimes all it takes is one little nudge, something as simple as a short video or a swapped name, and suddenly you think about your whole life differently and question things you never thought to wonder about.A story of a young girl suddenly finding herself in transition, and the world that has to transition with her.Canon after Lion 4: Alternate Ending. Slightly older Steven and Connie than in the show though -- slightly more mature themes. Work in progress, more to come!





	1. The Ready Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all my trans, GNC, and questioning siblings, with love. The world is changing for us, please hang in there. I believe in you.

It had been a short ride home, mostly spent talking about Rose. Steven stood and watched from the porch as Greg drove off. Setting the tape marked “For Nora” on the table, Steven sat and watched the ocean in the evening glow of a waxing moon, thinking and being.

Later, Rose was on the television again repeating, “Nora, we can't both exist. . . you're going to be something extraordinary.” Steven was lying in bed, having looped the tape a few dozen times already. After a few more plays, Rose's face looked at Steven from a paused screen, and Steven would sometimes look over and stare back – a few times rolling over to reflect on her portrait, looking down from above the front door. It was quiet.

Steven had fallen asleep very late that night, and only woke up when Connie called.

“Steven!” She sounded very excited!

“Connie!” He sounded very excited!

“Do you mind if I come over tonight? If that's okay with you?” Connie felt rude inviting herself, but had noticed it seemed to work better for Steven.

He jumped up in bed. “I can show you the tape my mom made!”

A quick, confused pause. “Why are we watching that again?” Connie really did like that tape. But, she'd seen it more than enough times. She should ask for a moratorium.

“No there's a new tape! It's – well, I don't wanna spoil anything.”

“Oh. Okay! That sounds great!” She glanced at the time. About 3 o'clock. “I'll see you in a few hours, okay?”

“Hooray!”

“Alright, see you soon!”

“See you soon!”

“Oh,” Connie began.

“Yeah?” Steven prompted.

“Steven, Steven,” she continued.

Steven suddenly felt his chest tighten. He didn't know why.

Connie finished saying, “I, uh. . . I wanted to fuse. That is – if you want to, of course, I meant.”

Steven looked over at the tape peaking out from the VCR. “For Nora.”

“We'll see. I don't know.”

“Of course that's fine!” Connie blurted out. She could feel herself blushing, adding quickly. “We don't have to! Just. . . yeah, no that's fine!”

“O. . . okay?” Steven was actually pretty confused. They'd been fusing more often, but, she'd never asked about it like that before. “I'll see you in a bit!”

“Okay! I'll see you in a bit! Okay!” An awkward pause. “I'm looking forward to the tape!” She meant it.

Steven hesitated. “Yeah. I'll see you soon. Bye.”

Connie frowned at the phone, a little confused herself. “Bye, Steven.”

They hung up. Steven sat still for a moment. Then he suddenly threw the phone down beside him. It hit the mattress, bounced back up, and clacked as it landed on the floor. He hadn't really meant to do any of that, and that's when he noticed he felt cold. He looked up at the TV, still paused, showing Rose in the tape she'd made for Nora.

 _Or I guess she made it for me?_ Steven thought. _Can you make something for someone who never got to exist?_ It was Steven's tape now.

Steven looked at the clock. About 3 o'clock. It would be a long afternoon waiting for Connie.

 _She wants to fuse_ , he thought. He felt uncomfortable somehow. He looked down toward his knees and zoned out for a moment. Then he noticed the phone still lying on the floor. He picked it up and started scrolling through it. _I guess I don't have any pictures of Stevonnie on here right now_ , he thought. He'd left his laptop at the Barn.

He looked over toward the warp pad, but decided he didn't want to see anyone. He wasn't sure where Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl had been all this time, now that he thought about it. He didn't think about it long, because suddenly the door to Rose's room caught his attention.

Steven sat up, paused, and then stood up, paused, and then started walking, paused about halfway down the stairs, started to change his mind and go back, instead turned back around, jumped down the last few steps, and then kept walking somewhat unsteadily toward the Temple door. It opened as Steven approached.

The door closed behind Steven and disappeared, leaving him surrounded by soft, rose clouds. There was a gentle breeze stirring the clouds around, which had never happened before. _This Room is so unpredictable_. _. . oh, I'm being a little rude._

“Hello Room!” Steven said. “I, uh. . . .I like the aesthetic you're working on! The breeze is a nice touch!” Steven wasn't a hundred percent sure he knew what aesthetic was. He'd heard Connie say it before.

Connie, right.

“Hey Room,” Steven continued, “I wanna see Rose.”

Rose appeared. She looked down at Steven.

Steven smiled for a moment, but then said, “You're not real.”

“I'm not real,” Rose replied. She smiled back at him.

Steven sighed. “I wanna show you someone anyway, okay?”

“Okay,” Rose replied.

“Room,” Steven said quietly, “I wanna introduce Mom to Stevonnie.”

Steven had never actually seen Stevonnie in person. Being Stevonnie is hard to describe, and he did know what the fusion looked like, but, this was different, even knowing this wasn't really them. She stood so tall, so confidently. Her hair fell down in curls past her strong shoulders. She had appeared wearing jeans and a black shirt with a red rose on it. Room had done a good job capturing the way she moved – at least, Steven felt so, and he saw her hips sway as she walked to stand face-to-face with Rose.

“A pleasure to meet you, ma'am.” Stevonnie extended a hand.

“Nice to meet you, Stevonnie.” They shook hands.

“And how do you know them?” Rose looked over to ask Steven.

“She's a fusion of me and Connie. Connie's. . . I wish you could meet Connie. But I'm not gonna copy her, and I don't want. . . she doesn't need to meet you like this.”

Rose looked back at Stevonnie, who was still smiling like she'd thought of something funny she'd keep to herself. “I love their unique smile,” she said. Steven realized how over-the-top “Rose” that was, and wondered if Room had really done a good job remaking Stevonnie.

“Yeah, she's great.” Steven muttered in a low voice.

Stevonnie caught Steven's eye, and she smirked at him, though it was not unfriendly. Steven looked away, suddenly shy. Rose took a step toward him. Steven looked up, and Rose stopped. He looked at them both as Rose said, “She's extraordinary.”

Steven met his mother's eyes, and they just stood there for a moment. Then his phone started to ring. It was Connie. “Hello?” he answered.

“Steven?” Connie said, “I'm here. Where are you?”

Steven looked at his phone. Almost 6 o'clock. Where had the time gone? “I'm in the Temple, be right out!” He was alone in the room with Rose. Where had Stevonnie gone?

Connie had let herself in, and was actually right on the warppad when he stepped out of his mother's room. Steven saw the look of recognition in her eyes as the last sliver of pink cloud was closed behind the Temple door, and wondered what she was thinking. He tried to relax. “Hey,” Steven said in a very, very casual manner.

“Hey,” Connie replied in kind.

Steven had never felt this awkward around Connie before. He didn't like it at all.

 


	2. War Princess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Themes of dysphoria, especially right at the end.

 

“Okay, Steven: I need an adjective, a color, and an adverb.”

“Hm. . . pretty, uh, magenta – uh. . . manly. . . ly.”

Connie looked quizzically at the FunLibs sheet, then up at Steven. They hadn't ended up watching the tape; Steven had just explained it to her. It had sounded like such a big deal over the phone. She wasn't sure why Steven had changed his mind.

She looked back down and actually read what she'd written, and snorted. “The pretty dragon-slayer raised her magenta sword high, and 'manlily' slew the beast.” She liked it. She looked back up at Steven. He was fidgety.

Connie sighed. “I'm sorry I asked about fusing earlier. That was weird.”

Steven wasn't really sure what he was preoccupied with, but it hadn't been that. He blushed, put a hand behind his head, and laughed nervously. “Yeah, it was a little weird.”

“Sorry,” Connie repeated. “We shouldn't fuse.”

“I mean,” Steven started to say, “We could if you wanted to.”

“Oh?”

“Sure,” Steven said. There was a pause as Connie tried to read Steven's face.

“Are you sure?” She asked. “I could only ask earlier because I trusted you could answer with an honest 'no'.”

“Yeah, I'm sure,” Steven nodded.

They sat in silence for a moment.

“So. . .” Connie began.

“Oh, now?”

“Oh! I mean--”

“No that's okay.”

Connie giggled. “Are you sure? Maybe we should ease into it first.”

Steven laughed with her, calming down a bit as he took in her smile. “Yeah. That's a good idea.”

She pulled out her phone and plugged it into Steven's speakers. A loud metal riff began to play, and a queenly voice started to talk to a strange little “poozer”. . . something about coffee. . . it wasn't important. The music was good though, they were both getting into it, and Connie was glad. Connie wasn't usually a big metal fan, and she'd had no idea what Steven would think.

“My mom thought it was weird when I told her my friends at school were introducing me to this. She said it didn't seem like music a girl would be into.” She looked up at Steven. “That's never made sense to me. Being a girl isn't about wearing pink dresses, listening to certain kinds of music – none of that.”

Steven perked up. “Oh? What is being a girl about?”

Connie looked down at herself. “I don't know, it's complicated. But, it's just, how you're born, right?”

Steven tried to keep his face blank. “Right.” He felt the muscles in his ribs tighten, and a tingling sensation shot through his diaphragm. He pushed the thoughts aside and tried to focus on the music. He did like it. He liked it a lot.

He looked over a Connie, who was really starting to get into it herself. He watched as her hair bounced with the bobbing of her head and shoulders. She was smiling, singing along. He smiled big, suddenly freed from his internal musings, and stood up. He didn't know how to do it quite right at first, so the headbanging made his neck a little sore. He figured it out pretty quickly though, as Connie stood up too. She was banging her head, waving her arms, bouncing on her knees. She and Steven stood closer, smiling at each other. The music hit a high point, and Connie started to scream “Part of me!” along with the princess in the song, literally jumping up and down. Steven was taking in all the energy pouring off of Connie. She seemed so self-assured in that moment. He didn't feel very confident himself, but, he focused on Connie and pushed the uncertainty back for now.

She hadn't been looking at anything in particular, but Connie now turned to look at Steven. They locked eyes, and Connie's smile returned, and Steven returned her smile with his own, and they began to bounce around each other, Steven laughing while Connie tried to bellow out a guttural scream.

There was a speaking part in the song: “But your majesty,” he heard himself start to say. _Have I heard this somewhere before?_ He thought he heard Connie's voice for a moment, but then he heard himself speak in Stevonnie's voice, “. . . and you will follow!” Connie's and Steven's voices seemed to come from all around, a chorus singing the response, “We shall follow!”

Stevonnie raised her hands into the air and screamed, “For I'm your Queen!” She held out the scream as the breakdown began. Steven and Connie were in there somewhere, but, Stevonnie was herself again. And she fucking _loved_ this song. She didn't stop thrashing as she became aware of being herself, noting that she was wearing a leather jacket and a knee-length black skirt. She didn't stop singing as she noted the huge increase in her vocal range, her tone almost magical in its intensity. She felt an odd but familiar weight in her chest as she bounced along to the music. She watched her hair flow in and out of view as it whirled around her. She felt the ripple of fabric along her legs as her skirt rose and fell in time to each little hop. The breakdown reached its peak, and Stevonnie planted her feet, redoubled her headbang, and started doing air guitar as the song came to a close and she howled, “You'll die, die, die, die – for me!”

A narrator started to introduce the next track, but Stevonnie laughed and laughed as she plopped down on the couch. She turned off the music and caught her breath. It was nice and quiet.

Steven became more aware of himself, as he heard Stevonnie say, “I'm glad you liked that.” He'd also heard Connie softly whisper those words in his head. . . wherever his head was right now, exactly.

“We should listen to that whole album some time, it's great and I bet we'll love it!” They paused and waited for a response, and then they all realized they were talking to themself and they snorted, suddenly a bit shy and a bit lonely and a bit grateful for each other's company all at once. She became aware of her muscles, and relaxed into the couch, letting out a deep breath.

Connie had had a long day. She was tired, and she faded a bit into a relaxed state, as Steven became more aware of himself again, or really more aware of his being Stevonnie. His torso felt so light, his breathing so relaxed. Steveonnie's whole body felt graceful and light, yet not at all weak and fragile – way stronger than he was used to. She stretched her legs out, noting a bit of hair growing on them. Connie had asked if Steven cared about her leg hair once: he had been really confused, and couldn't imagine caring. But now, Steven wondered if he could shape-shift Stevonnie's hair away, or if it would just grow back. He felt a bit nervous for some reason. An image of his mother's Room came into his mind.

Stevonnie shifted in bed, startled. “Are you okay?” She asked herself. “Yeah I'm great!” She replied. She checked: she felt. . . mostly great. She focused on the great. It was gonna be great. It was great.

She stretched out again and stood up, shaking herself out a little and taking off her jacket. She wore a purple tanktop with a yellow star in the middle. “I love this outfit! We should actually make it, so that you could wear it!” She paused, the dissonance of not really talking to a second person catching her for a moment. “What would happen if we just set these clothes aside?” She blushed for a moment, but then realized, “Yeah they wouldn't fit though. Too bad you can't just shape shift into your wardrobe.” Stevonnie let that hang in the air and just stared at the door. She had been going to walk outside, but, now she just looked around the house. She remembered thinking about Rose's room earlier. She turned to look at that door, but, didn't walk toward it. She felt hungry. She went over to the kitchen and made herself a sandwich. She ate it quickly and messily, and felt better. She walked upstairs and plopped down on the bed. She didn't really feel like doing anything all of a sudden. She dozed for a while. Sometimes she heard Steven and Connie giggling; she heard their conversation as if through an open window, only making out tone as their voices flitted in and out of her range of consciousness. It wasn't much of a conversation though, if Stevonnie could have heard it: they were tired too, Connie more-so, Steven feeling somehow bittersweet. They were really just laughing and saying small nothings to each other and laying in silence and laughing some more. They were also busy being Stevonnie, it didn't leave much energy for small talk.

Stevonnie was far away from all that. She was far away from the bed she slept on. She was asleep. She dreamed. She was walking through a big apartment building. She would always take the stairs, though not every stair-well had proper stairs. She remembered climbing up a scaffolding of random chunks of wood and metal. Sometimes she had to go through people's apartments to advance. Sometimes she just wandered through the halls. She would sometimes see small groups of other people, and everyone seemed glad to see her, but she always continued on alone. Stevonnie eventually reached the roof. She thought she had been heading downstairs, but, now she was beneath a warm, sunny sky. She stood and took in the skyline. Someone wrapped their arms around her shoulder and hugged her tight. She didn't know who it was, but, she knew she was safe. They stood there as the sun embraced them both, Stevonnie and this stranger, and they listened to the breeze.

Stevonnie focused on her breathing. The dream was vivid, if vague in places. She could not see the arms wrapped around her collar bones, around her strong shoulders. She felt strangely aware of her hips, but, nothing in between them. The breeze picked up and she realized she had changed into pants in this dream. She could feel the breeze on her bare shoulders, though, and she felt a small patch of hair there there shiver pleasantly in the gust.

Eventually, the breeze stopped, and Stevonnie started to feel warm. She started to sweat. She didn't want to disturb this kind stranger, but, she knew she would have to. She opened her mouth to speak, but then she realized she was still in bed.

She blinked and closed her eyes, and felt the stiffness in her muscles. She really was sweating. Her heart was racing. She opened her eyes again and stared at the ceiling. _Am I okay?_ Stevonnie asked herself. She ran her hands through her hair. It felt dirty. She looked and saw grime under her fingernails. She remembered how hairy her legs were. Stevonnie had always felt so comfortable in her own skin before, and this sudden wave of contrasting discomfort stabbed through her ribs like a cold knife.

She sat up in bed and saw her face reflected in the blank screen of the TV. It looked wrong. It wasn't just the curve of the old screen distorting her face. Stevonnie had always looked so beautiful. Now she looked. . . she wasn't. . .

“Steven?” She heard herself ask.

She looked down and saw Rose's handwriting. “For Nora.”

Steven felt himself appear and fall onto the floor. Connie let out an “oof!” as she landed with her back against the side of the bed. She was a bit dazed. Steven got up and started running outside. Connie heard the door slam shut behind him.

She rolled over onto her knees and started to push herself upright, when she heard retching noises from outside. “Steven!” She said. She ran after him.

 


	3. Questioning and Experimentation

“Nora, you and I can't both exist. . . You'll be a human being.”

When the tape finished, Connie and Steven sat in silence. Well, Steven was laying back. He felt better, but he was keeping his eyes closed.

“Hey,” Connie eventually said.

“Hey,” Steven replied.

“You okay?” She asked.

“I don't know.” Steven replied.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“I don't know.”

Silence.

“. . . we kinda gotta talk about it.”

Steven opened his eyes and looked over at Connie. She was smiling nervously. He suddenly felt irritated, and he let it show on his face. _I don't have to talk about anything I don't want to_ , he thought.

“I'm sorry, that was dumb, of course we don't. Not now at least.” Connie could read her friend well.

Steven sighed. She was right, though, and he knew what she meant.

He sat and gathered his thoughts for a while. “I've always been Steven,” he began. “I've always been this boy running around, going on magical adventures, being raised mostly by the gems. . . I've never questioned that before. I'd never questioned being the boy in the middle of this group of magical women. . . but I'd also never questioned _why_ I was Steven.”

He glanced over at Connie, and continued, “Well that's not quite right either. I'm always questioning my destiny and stuff like that.” Connie nodded; she enjoyed his destiny rants to be honest. “But, I'd always thought being Steven was _part_ of that. That I was born this way on purpose, that Mom had made that decision for me. And so I never thought about what it meant to me.” Steven looked crossly at the VCR. “And then I find this tape? And I find out it was all up to chance? That I was _this_ close to being Nora, and that Mom not only didn't know, but wouldn't have minded either way?” He looked back over at Connie, his voice breaking a bit. “Couldn't she have found a way to make sure?” He fell silent suddenly and looked at his knees.

They sat there for a while.

“Do you. . . do you want to be Nora?” Connie asked.

Steven shook his head. “No. Nora would have been a different person. I'm. . . I'm me.”

Connie took that in for a moment. “Do you think 'Steven' might not be a good name for who you are?”

Steven looked up at Connie, surprised. “Would you mind if it wasn't?”

“Of course not!” She nodded reassuringly at Steven. “I love you for who you are – I'm friends with a person, not their name!”

Steven beamed for a moment. He felt so grateful for Connie in that moment. But then it passed, and he looked down at his knees again. “Still, changing my name wouldn't change. . . it wouldn't fix everything.”

“What do you mean?” Connie asked.

Steven teared up. “I was born wrong.”

“What??” Connie felt a stab of concern.

Steven looked up at her, one tear running down his face and a second forming in his other eye to join it. “I don't want to be Nora because of her name. I was born wrong. Changing my name won't fix that.”

“Steven, there's nothing wrong with how you were born!” Connie insisted.

Steven winced when he heard his name. He felt flush with anger, felt his throat tighten, and he looked Connie straight in the eyes. “You said being a girl was about how you were born, and I was born a boy. I was raised a boy. I thought being a boy was part of my destiny. But it just happened, and no matter what, no matter what I call myself, I can't fix that. I was just born wrong.” They stared at each other for a moment, Connie looking horrified, and then Steven turned and stared vacantly at his reflection in the TV.

Connie felt so sad for her friend. She hadn't meant it like that. She laid back and closed her eyes, putting her hands in front of her face.

Eventually, Connie decided she needed to be blunt. “You don't want to be a boy?”

Steven was sitting right next to her leg, she felt his body tremor as he shook his head no. He didn't say anything – her eyes were closed – but, she didn't really need him to answer.

She felt really uncertain what to say next. She knew she could say the wrong thing really easily. She sat for a moment and thought carefully. “Can we go into your mom's room?” She suddenly asked, sitting up a little on one elbow.

Steven felt a surge of embarrassment as he recalled introducing copy-Stevonnie to copy-Rose. “Why?” He asked.

“I wanna try something,” Connie answered.

“I guess,” Steven said.

They walked slowly over toward the Temple door. When they were just past the warp-pad, Steven said, “Lemme just check something really quick,” and went ahead into the room alone. Connie stood by herself and tried to come up with a plan. She had some ideas, but, she wasn't even completely sure what was going on, so, it wasn't easy.

 _He's taking a long time in there_ , she thought. _Maybe he needed a moment. It's okay. I. . . I'm okay._ She hadn't ever considered Steven would wrestle with something like this, but now it seemed obvious. But she wasn't sure what was going on, so, she knew she shouldn't make too many assumptions. _Take it slow. Make him comfortable. We can do this. I can help._

The door opened, and Connie just saw an empty room. The clouds had changed color. They were the light blue of a calm sea, and there was a warm breeze coming from inside the room. She looked around for Steven as she walked inside. When the door closed behind her, she turned around and saw him staring off into the distance. There was a beach, with a shallow ocean in front of a large full moon. Connie walked up beside her friend.

“The room looks nice today. This is a great aesthetic,” she said.

Steven smiled.

Connie continued, “Did you choose the color?”

Steven nodded.

Connie paused for a moment. “You. . . you didn't have to pick a boyish color for me, Steven.”

Steven whipped around. “You think blue's a boy's color?”

 _Nice one, Connie_ , she thought. “Of course not! Colors don't belong to any gender I guess,” she said. “I remember that gorgeous blue dress you showed me you'd worn singing on the beach for Sadie.”

Steven turned to face the moon again. “Yeah,” he said. “That was a great night.”

They stared off as the waves lapped against the shore.

Connie asked, “Did you think about being a girl then?”

Steven thought for a moment. “Not really,” he answered, “I mean I just thought I was a boy playing dress-up. It felt great, but, I would take the dress off and still be Steven at the end of the night. I was putting on a show. It wasn't me.”

The breeze died down, but the open air was still cool and smelled like the real beach back outside. Connie reflected on everything for a moment, and then she asked, “Have you figured out how to make the Room listen to me?”

Steven shrugged his shoulders. “Garnet and I tried some things but it only wanted to listen to me. I mean, give it a shot.”

Connie looked over her shoulder, gazing back at where the door to the Room had been, and then said, “Show me Rose.” There was a swell of harps as Rose burst into view. Steven blushed fiercely. “It worked!” Connie shouted.

Rose smiled at them both. “Hello you two. You must be Connie. It's great to meet you.”

Connie didn't answer. She could tell Steven was uncomfortable, and, this wasn't really Rose anyway. She still felt a little rude. But instead, she said, “Hey Room. . . show me Rose as a guy.”

There were now two Rose's standing in front of them. Connie smiled. Steven looked confused. “They're the same,” Steven said.

“I like this Room,” Connie commented.

“They're dressed the same, they stand the same,” Steven continued. “They look exactly the same.” He looked at them both, he looked back at Connie, then he looked at the male Rose. “How do I know one of them's a woman and one's a man?”

“You don't. Not just by looking. You could guess based on what you think other girls are like that both of them are girls. But you'd be wrong about one of them.”

Steven thought for a moment. “Is it. . . anatomy?” He remembered a long, awkward conversation in the back of his Dad's van once. Steven had been a lot younger than many kids having that Talk.

“Do gems even have that anatomy?” Connie wondered.

“I don't know,” Steven declared.

“Anyway, I don't think that's it either. I've read it on Womblr before, 'Gender's not between your legs, it's in your heart.'”

Steven took that in for a moment. “Did the Room even do it right? Or is that just two girls?”

“Ask him,” Connie replied.

Steven looked at the new Rose, and said, “Excuse me, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”

“You can ask me anything, Steven” he replied. His voice was still decidedly Rose's, if perhaps a bit lower-pitched than Rose normally spoke.

“Are you a man or a woman?” Steven asked this new copy-Rose.

“I'm a crystal gem,” he replied.

 _What's underneath your dress?_ Connie thought of the meme. _Possibility._ She giggled softly to herself.

Steven thought for a moment. “Which label more closely describes you: male or female?”

“Male,” the second Rose replied.

“You're a guy?” Steven asked.

“Sure,” he conceded.

“But you're Rose?”

“Well that's my name,” he confirmed, “but I'm more than a name.”

“Do you like the way you're dressed?”

“These are the clothes that I have,” he replied.

“If you're a guy, why did Room give you those clothes?” Steven pressed.

“I didn't choose these clothes, they're the ones that I have,” he repeated.

Steven felt a rush of anxiety. “Right, sorry.”

“It's okay,” Rose replied, “I can always get new clothes.”

“Yeah,” Steven said. He thought for a while. “So, are you my Mom or my Dad? You're my Dad, right? – well, Greg's my Dad, but, you'd also be my Dad if you were real, yeah?”

“I'm not real?” He seemed surprised. Then he smiled. “Just kidding.”

Steven giggled. He turned back to Connie. “So really though, what makes that Rose a girl and this Rose a boy?”

Connie had stepped back a little, and now she came forward again. “I really don't know,” Connie said, “But, he seems pretty sure about it.”

“What if he's wrong?” Steven asked, looking male-Rose up and down.

“Would it matter?” Connie countered. “He thinks of himself as male, that's what matters, right?”

Steven thought for a while. Then he said, “Go away,” and the two Roses vanished. He looked at Connie. “They're not real, though. And besides, I can't have the room remake me. I'm stuck this way.”

Connie looked with concern at her friend. Steven was so confused, so frustrated, so sad. He was starting to cry.

“Steven,” Connie started, realizing too late that she should probably not say that name right now, “I don't think that's true. I can't read your mind, but, it seems to me like, whoever you are, that person might not be a male person. And if you don't want to be a boy, I don't think you have to be.”

Steven was crying pretty openly now. Connie continued, “Not everyone's just a boy or a girl; some people are both, some neither, some something in between. I know someone who used to be a girl. He's named Mel, and he's been in some classes with me. He still dresses pretty androgynously for a guy, but, he corrected my teacher in class once when they used the wrong pronouns for him. The teacher got pretty defensive.” Connie thought for a moment. “I remember when we all thought he was a girl. I still remember his name from back then. It was. . . well, I won't say it, that'd be rude I think.” Connie looked over at Steven. He'd been softly crying, but mostly paying attention to her.

“So you're not a boy?” Connie asked.

Steven let out a sob, and whispered, “No.”

Connie nodded reassuringly and let him reflect on that for a moment. In the quiet, she wondered for a moment what this meant for her, but, she decided she needed to focus on Steven for now.

“Are you a girl?” Connie eventually asked.

Steven sat still for a moment. “If I'm not a girl, I'm something like that,” he let out a hoarse whisper. He looked up at Connie, who met Steven's eyes. She smiled. Steven smiled back, then blushed a bit, then looked back at the ground.

“Do you want me to start using different pronouns?” Connie asked. “She? They? There are other ones too, they're weird – no, not weird! I'm sorry! – just, not what I'm used to using. It'd take practice, and I don't really know them off the top of my head, but, I could learn!”

“I'm not sure,” Steven replied. Steven thought for a moment, unsure of how to feel about it. He'd never really thought about it before. But he didn't want he anymore.

“Let's use 'they' for now,” they said, “and we can try 'she' later.”

“Kinda ease into it?” Connie prompted.

“Exactly,” they answered.

“That's totally fine! I'll use they for now!”

Steven beamed. But, they realized, “What about my name?”

Connie looked at them. “I think that's up to you, too. What sounds good?”

They thought for a moment. “I don't know, what do you think?”

Connie pondered. “Francine?” Connie saw they didn't like that one bit. “No, haha. Hmmm. . . you could take your mother's name?” She saw them thinking about it. “Rose Quartz Universe?”

“I kinda like it, I kinda don't,” they answered. “It feels weird. What about Rebecca?”

“Rebecca's nice,” Connie answered.

Steven's pun-dar went off, but, they didn't know why. “Stephanie,” they suddenly said.

“Yeah?” Connie asked.

“Yeah,” Stephanie said, “Stephanie Rose Universe.”

“Stephanie,” Connie affirmed. “Stephanie Universe. I like it.”

Connie smiled and reached out a hand to them. Stephanie grabbed it daintily and shook it. “Of course, you're still the same best friend I've loved all this time, but, it's nice to meet you again, Stephanie.”

Stephanie's smile made their face hurt, it was so big. They were so, so happy, they felt a surge of energy that brought them to euphoria, and Connie could see it too. They both stood their smiling at each other, and eventually Stephanie took a step forward and wrapped their arms around her tight, whispering, “Thank you so much, Connie.”

“For what?” Connie asked, pulling back to look them in the face.

“For not freaking out. For not being mad at me.”

“Why would I be mad?”

“I've never talked to you about any of this stuff, and now suddenly I want all these changes. I've been hiding parts of myself from you – well, kind of. You knew I was girly, but, you didn't know how deep it went. I didn't even know how deep it went! But, still, I know it's a lot to take in.”

“That's okay Ste-- Stephanie,” she caught herself. Too late, they noticed. They kept smiling, and Connie could tell they meant it, but, she also knew they'd noticed her start to use the wrong name. “I know now, that's what matters. I'm glad you felt like you could talk with me about it.”

“I kinda had to,” Stephanie reminded her. “But, I'm glad I did.”

They smiled at each other, and then hugged tight. As Stephanie started to cry, Connie let herself start to reflect as she rubbed their back reassuringly, the pair leaning into each other as the breeze in the ocean-blue room picked up again. She wasn't sure how she felt, if she was honest. Mostly okay. Certainly not mad at Stephanie, like they'd been worried about. But questions kept flooding her mind, and she couldn't wait to ask Stephanie about them. And some questions, she realized, they wouldn't be able to answer.

The pair pulled apart after a while, and smiled some more, and walked back out to Stephanie's room.

 


	4. Gender and Chill

They were talking casually on the couch. Connie told them about her day at school. Stephanie described their mom's garbage patch in detail – Connie pointed out they should probably go visit and see what else they could find. Stephanie felt comfortable, and happy.

Suddenly, the warp-pad chimed as Garnet appeared. The pair looked up at her, suddenly nervous.

“Howdy,” Garnet greeted them.

“Hey Garnet,” Stephanie replied.

“You two doing alright?”

“Yes ma'am,” Connie answered. She looked over at Stephanie, then back at Garnet, and tried to puff up her smile. Garnet looked at the two of them, then directly at Stephanie.

“We need to talk later,” she told Stephanie. “Right now I need to go back out and help Amethyst and Pearl. Connie can join us, you two decide. Are you staying the night, Connie?” Connie nodded. “Okay,” Garnet confirmed.

She looked Stephanie in the eyes again. “Goodbye, Steven. I love you.” She vanished back into the warp-pad.

Stephanie had been waiting to hear that name since Garnet had appeared. Their stomach clenched as they started to remember all the years of hearing that name, from all their friends and family. How could they ask them all to call them something else? What if some of them said no? What if they said yes, but kept messing it up? Stephanie's old name hadn't bothered them until they saw this tape, she had only picked a new name tonight, yet hearing the wrong name was already like a splash of ice-cold water. What if this was too sudden? What if they would feel fine being Steven in a few days? What if they never felt fine being Steven ever again? Could they really stop being Steven? And if they did, what would they lose?

 _What's Dad going to say?_ They wondered. He'd said they could change their name, but they bet he hadn't planned on them taking up the offer so quickly! And this wasn't just a name-change, it was something more than that. Could their Dad handle that? Would he be hurt to lose his son? It's not like they had died, but, they weren't his son anymore. Were they? Maybe they were going too fast. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe they were just caught up in worrying about magical destiny and needed to forget about all this gender stuff. Maybe –

They felt Connie's arms wrap around their shoulders. “Stephanie,” she said, “it's okay.” They were shaking, breathing quickly, and Connie hugged them tight from behind. Suddenly they both remembered Stevonnie's dream. Connie settled her weight against Stephanie's, and they sat together on the couch for a moment until Stephanie stopped shaking. Connie saw them blink away a tear.

Stephanie stared down at their knees. They didn't like their legs. Too short, too squat, too wide. And they knew, under their thick boy-jeans, that the hair on those legs was starting to darken. They were getting older. Their body was. . . not going to cooperate. Stephanie sat and felt the weight of their body dragging her down. Felt the rise and fall of her flat chest. They sat there with Connie, they sat there with their own dysphoria, spacing out and staring at their legs.

Eventually, Connie softly whispered, “I'll stay with you to talk with Garnet. If you want.” Stephanie nodded absently. Connie smiled. “And if you're not ready you don't have to tell her anything yet.” Stephanie nodded again. Then they turned around and took in Connie's beautiful face. They started to smile. Suddenly, they felt so glad that Connie was there with them. Connie saw them relax, and she smiled warmly. They leaned in to kiss her. Connie kissed back.

It wasn't their first kiss, but, it was still something fairly new and special, kissing like this. Connie remembered when Stev-- _when Stephanie, I guess they were Stephanie back then too, I should ask_ – when Stephanie had asked, all shy and bashful, if friends could kiss like they'd seen Lars and Sadie doing under the pier. It was obvious something more had been on their mind.

“Don't you think Lars and Sadie _are_ friends?” Connie had asked. They'd just gotten The Bits, and she'd asked the question with her mouth uncharacteristically full – she hadn't eaten all day, she remembered.

“What?!” They'd looked betrayed. “Don't tell me I'm the only one who sees their love!” Stephanie had thrown their hands up in the air, and further down the boardwalk a group of seagulls cawed as if to chime in and agree.

“No, yeah, they're totally nuts for each other,” Connie laughed, “But, they're friends too, right?” She'd paused. “Steven,” she'd said to Stephanie, “you're my best friend. This friendship can handle a lot, it's strong. It can definitely handle the two of us growing and trying new things.”

Back on the couch, Stephanie pressed themself against Connie, one hand on her shoulder, the other behind her head, at the top of her neck, her hair loosely tangled in between their fingers. Shafts of moonlight pierced the darkness of the quiet house, bathing it in a gentle glow. The low thrum of ocean waves entered through an open window. Connie wrapped her arms tight under Stephanie's, rubbing her hands along their back. Stephanie moved the hand on her shoulder down toward the small of her back.

At some point, they both realized, they'd become Stevonnie. The rustling of fabric and skin had faded away, and Stevonnie sat back on the couch, her eyes closed, her head laid back, humming a quiet tune as Stephanie and Connie whirled around each other, their thoughts pressed against each other so tight it was hard to know where Stephanie ended and Connie began. They were both a little scared – not of each other, not of the intimacy, but of all the questions left unanswered.

 _Am I not straight?_ Connie had been wondering all night.

 _What's “straight?”_ Stephanie meant it sincerely.

_It's. . . well, huh. That's a fair question. Is orientation about bodies, or genders? I don't know._

_Do you wanna be straight?_

_I guess I don't care. Was I ever straight?_

A memory popped into view of a girl in a duel at fencing practice. A tall, muscular black girl, maybe two years older than Connie. It had been a close match. When she took off her helmet, she shook out her dark, frizzy hair and smiled at Connie. Connie had blushed as they shook hands.

Stephanie suddenly realized what she meant by straight.

_Oh yeah I've wondered about that. Straight. Huh. Nah. Not me._

_Yeah, definitely not. Me neither._

_What are you, then?_

On the couch, Stevonnie continued to hum. Their swirling vortex of their thoughts had calmed, and it gently swirled as Stephanie felt Connie going through a list of terms as if they were reading it themself. “Bisexual. Pansexual. Omnisexual. Asexual. Homosexual. Lesbian. Queer.”

_It's all about sexuality?_

_No not really, it could be about romance, too – panromantic, etc._

_So what am I, then?_

_You're Stephanie. Or are you Connie? I've kinda lost track._

They giggled together at the absurdity of losing track of themselves. Stevonnie's humming gained a more definite melody, relaxed and bittersweet and hopeful. A ripple went through the cloud of their minds, distinctly two yet clearly united.

Suddenly, they both heard a voice. It was Connie's voice, a memory – in fact, though they only heard the voice, they both remembered the occasion. “That was great, Steven,” Connie had said, her voice slightly breathy. They had been. . . mostly undressed. At first, they both smiled, hearing the genuine love and gratitude that had been in Connie's voice at the time. It was a great memory. But then, in the swirls of their thoughts, a breeze started to pick up, becoming a gale, as they both realized how that memory had been tainted by the presence of their deadname. No matter how badly they wanted to change Stephanie's future, they couldn't change their past together. They had both poured so much love into that name. But Stephanie could never appreciate it again – at least, not in the same way.

They had both been worried about a storm, but, after a while, the gusts died down and their minds found a tenuous peace.

_Stephanie._

_Yeah?_

_Stephanie, we can make new memories of your name, Stephanie._

They giggled. _Yeah?_

 _Stephanie – Stephanie,_ Connie continued, _just you wait, you're gonna get tired of hearing me shout your name, Stephanie!_

 _I don't know about that_ , she laughed.

_Stephanie! That was great! Stephanie! You were incredible! Stephanie, quit being a goof and gimme a hug! Stephanie, you're the best friend a girl could ask for, Stephanie!_

They laughed and laughed together.

“Howdy.”

Stevonnie whipped her head up and opened her eyes to see Garnet standing about 3 feet away.

“Hello.”

They looked at each other.

“You two need a minute?”

Stevonnie had been breathing hard. She let out a slight, nervous laugh, and nodded. “Thanks.”

Garnet gave them a thumbs up and walked away.

Stevonnie fell into a quiet laughing fit to shake off some of the awkward tension. She noticed it was late, but, she wasn't tired.

_Should we unfuse?_

_Do you want to?_

_Not really._

_We don't have to._

_Okay._

_Okay._

They worked to slow their breathing.

_Hey?_

_Yeah?_

_What are we named?_

There was a pause.

_Stevonnie, I guess._

_Still?_

Another pause.

_I guess. That name belongs to both of us, we don't need to change it. At least, not right away._

_You sure?_

_Yeah, I'm fine with that._

_We could try “Stephonie”_

A moment of consideration.

_No, it's not really different enough._

_Yeah._

_Stevonnie for now then?_

Another moment of consideration.

_Stevonnie for now then._

_Okay._

Stevonnie opened her eyes and focused on taking deep, gentle breaths. Together, they waited for Garnet.

 


	5. Beneath the Waves

Garnet and Stevonnie were out on the porch. It was really late. Stephanie and Connie had kept a weird sleep cycle lately, just part of being that age. But this was late even for them. The sun would be up soon.

“Have you two slept at all?”

Stevonnie shook her head. “We dozed for a while.”

Garnet smirked. “I need Steven to do me a favor tomorrow, but, you can sleep in. And Connie, you don't have to go.”

Stevonnie pushed past hearing Stephanie's dying name and told Garnet, “We're in this together. What's the objective?” She gave a lazy salute.

Garnet pushed her specs back. “Amethyst, Pearl and I are making a gift for Peridot – sort of.”

Stevonnie cocked her head curiously.

“We need to make something up to her.”

Stevonnie blinked.

“We needed some information first, so we went to ask Lapis. We don't need your help with the gift, but, Lapis also told us there were some. . . issues, between the two of them, and I want you to go check on them.”

“Really? Are they okay?” The worst fight Stevonnie had ever seen them have, both Stephanie and Connie had been there, so she remembered it in stereo. Connie had noted how confused Peridot was. Stephanie had seen the disappointment in Lapis's face. It hadn't been pretty. But, later that same day they were playing keep-away with Pumpkin, laughing and smiling at each other.

“I think so, but, I bet they'd appreciate your help.”

“Of course!”

Stevonnie waited for Garnet to explain. Garnet sat and stared toward Stevonnie – exactly where was unclear. An awkward moment passed, then Stevonnie put her hand out, palm up, and waved it questioningly.

“Oh. Um. . . “ Garnet stiffened slightly and looked away, “Why don't I let them explain it?”

Stevonnie's eyes widened. “Huh?” She blurted, with a note of disbelief.

“It's – it's private, and, I don't wanna give the wrong impression or . . . just. . .” she looked back at Stevonnie, obviously uncomfortable, and simply said, “Please?”

Stephanie was surprised to see stoic Garnet squirm like this, but Connie understood something in her tone. . . It reminded her of how her mom sounded when she'd leave something in the car and ask her to run out and grab it. Connie would balk, but, her mother would declare “Please,” not so much a request as an exasperated concession: _Yes I should do this, but, I'm your mother and I'm asking for a favor_.

Connie couldn't resist. “That's fine,” Stevonnie said, “Lapis can fill us in. We'll take care of it for you.”

Garnet was taken aback. She'd checked: there hadn't been very many possible futures where she got out of it that easily. “Great, thank you Stevonnie.” She turned to start walking away. “I'll let you two get some rest.” She took a step toward the door.

“Oh, but. . . Wait, Garnet?” Stevonnie reached out a hand.

“Hm?”

Stevonnie felt a wave of anxiety and dissonance rush through her as Stephanie burst into awareness of herself. Stevonnie didn't let it show on her face. Instead, she just said, “I love you! Have a good night!”

Garnet beamed. “I love you too. Good night Stevonnie.” She turned to walk away, and Stevonnie watched as she left. She noticed for the first time that Garnet didn't walk with a sway in her hips. She had a level, controlled stride which might be considered more masculine, if rigid gender norms applied to magical aliens. She stepped back on to the warp-pad and disappeared – they didn't know where, and they were too preoccupied to think about it.

_Why didn't we talk to her? I was about to ask her to sit back down._

_I know. I don't know. I just. . . I'm not ready._

_Not ready for what?_ Connie asked.

 _I don't know!_ Stephanie told her. _Just. . . I don't even really understand what's going on. It's hard to explain, so. . . , I guess you could say I've been thinking about this stuff for years – and I have. But, I also kinda just started thinking about it less than two days ago?_

Connie didn't understand the specifics, but, she could feel Stephanie's thoughts, she knew they still had a lot to process. _That makes some sense to me. I think I get it._

Stephanie changed the subject a little. _It's not like Garnet to be so evasive_

_Do you think she knows?_

_No, she called me. . ._

_Yeah._

_She wouldn't have done used that name if she knew I was going to change it. . . but. . ._

_What if she knows_ something's _up, but doesn't understand what?_

_Exactly, yeah. . ._

They sat and thought about what Garnet might think of gender, or names, and if they'd even be related in her head.

_Oh jeez._

_Wow._

As a gulf of potential misunderstandings opened up in their minds, Stevonnie got up and started getting ready for bed. Since she was in Stephanie's house, she defaulted back to the same routine Stephanie always used – very different from Connie's usual routine, but Stevonnie was preoccupied and just going through the motions. They had already lined up all of Stephanie's toys, and were in the middle of brushing their teeth, when a question jarred them out of their concerns with how to talk to the Gems.

_If we unfuse, do we both have squeaky clean teeth?_

They paused for a moment. Stevonnie looked in the mirror, noticing for the first time that she was still fused.

“Am I going to sleep like this?” Stevonnie asked out loud.

_If you want._

“Sure,” Stevonnie smiled, blushing slightly and giddily eying her own reflection. They had never spent this much time fused before.

She walked upstairs and changed into one of Connie's big red bedtime t-shirts. Stevonnie felt very aware of her body. She lay back on the bed and stuck her arm in the air, admiring the curves of her lightly toned, slender arms. She wiggled her fingers daintily, and grinned. Her legs were, for some reason, hairless now, even though she hadn't shaved them. Her breasts were fairly small, but through the thin blanket she could still see them rise and fall with her breathing.

The sun hadn't quite risen, but the nighttime was fading from the sky. Stevonnie softly whispered, “I love you.” She curled up on her side, wrapped pulled the sheets tight around herself, and quickly fell asleep.

 

–

 

Stevonnie stepped on the clutch and shifted into fifth as she zoomed through a slight bend in the interstate. Stephanie rode shotgun, and they were somehow sleeping despite the speed. They were wearing a dress; it was a bit too big for them. Their hair looked unwashed.

 _I need to take them to the hospital_ , Stevonnie thought. Stephanie clearly needed to clean up, but, they looked fine otherwise. But Stevonnie just knew they needed a doctor.

She got off the highway and downshifted into her turn, cutting quickly down a few roads and soon arriving at a thin, winding country road. There were woods on both sides, old and dark and sparse. They were going too fast, but, Stevonnie needed to get Stephanie to her doctor's appointment – right? Stevonnie looked over, and noticed Stephanie was gone. She looked in the backseat and saw them and Connie, kissing passionately.

 _Oh, she's fine!_ She laughed. _What's the rush?_

She pulled off the road into a small clearing. The far end of the clearing was shrouded with thorny vines. Stevonnie stepped out of the car as Stephanie and Connie tore lovingly at each other. There was a quiet hum of crickets, and the quiet song of a lone mourning dove, up far past its bedtime. She leaned against the hood of the car. She heard one of them – Connie? – yelp, and then they both started laughing. Stevonnie looked in and noticed red lipstick stains all over both of them. Connie was rubbing a spot on her neck, and Stephanie was staring at it and smiling coyly. Stevonnie chuckled and looked up toward the tangled vines at the other side of the clearing.

Jarringly, she found herself at the far end of a path, through that tangle of thorns. She realized she was at Rose's fountain. It was dark, the dead of night. She could not really see much of the fountain itself. But the water at its base seemed to glow, a gentle dark green that lit up the ledge around the basin. As Stevonnie approached, she saw Stephanie lying beside the water, bathed in a bright blue light. They were in that too-big dress again. They looked worse than they had earlier: their hair was uncombed and wild, they looked pale and sweaty. Stevonnie ran up and knelt down beside them.

They were unconscious, their breath shallow. Stevonnie picked up one of their hands: it felt cold. She pulled Stephanie close, resting their head on her lap. She rubbed her shoulder absently and stared off into the water. She looked down at Stephanie and noticed, written right beneath their nose, in Rose's handwriting, the words “For Steven.”

Stephanie suddenly opened her eyes and yelled, flailing as they surged to get away. Stevonnie cried out, startled. She fell back, resting on her hands, as Stephanie crawled over to the water's edge. They knelt down and started to dip their hands into the fountain and rub furiously at their upper lip, trying to scrub their deadname off of them. Stevonnie watched in confused sympathy for a moment. She started to stand up so she could walk over to them, when Stephanie suddenly threw themself into the fountain.

“Stephanie!” Stevonnie heard herself shout.

Stephanie sank down and down, impossibly deep in the pitch black pool of Rose's healing waters. They still felt the _urge_ to breathe, but, not the _need_. They knew they wouldn't drown. They wanted to lose themself in these depths. To forget who they were, who they'd ever been. They fell deeper and deeper. There was a low, deep rumble of immense silence as Stephanie descended through the black. A long time passed. A small pink light eventually appeared below them. It slowly crept closer and closer. Suddenly, they were inside it – a pink bubble, the size of a small room. And Connie was there, wearing the glow-in-the-dark bracelet Stephanie had returned the first time they hung out. Neither of them spoke, but they could both tell they hadn't expected to see each other here in this place. Peace and love for each other filled the whole space, they could see it in each other and feel it in the gentle glow. They embraced, hugging close as they drifted through the abyss.

Together, they sank and sank, slowly becoming part of the vast unknown.

 


End file.
